To the editor:
Last Wednesday the Statesman ran a feature called “What if dating were a video game?” I love the article, but I feel as though it’s lacking a crucial element – the male perspective.
So in order to address this complaint, I would like to propose a hypothetical dating scenario. *Ah hem*
Jim likes Susan. Jim asks Susan on a date. Susan says yes. However, Jim’s nothing more than an average Aggie and Susan is ridiculously smoking hot. Here’s how the date would unfold if dating were a video game and told from a males perspective.
To start out with, Jim needs to get dressed for the big night. But before he does that, he’s going to need to enter the Konami code. Doing so will unlock every snazzy outfit in his closet as well as give his wallet unlimited coinage. After all, he’s going to need all the help he can get tonight.
Then after an hour of character customization including facial reconstruction and liposuction, Jim is ready to embrace the night with the looks of a Calvin Klein underwear model. However, Jim still has one major problem, which his washboard abs can’t fix. How is he going to pick up his date if he doesn’t own a car?
Fear not Jim, if dating is like a video game, why not just steal a car? Imagine pulling up to her apartment in a slightly damaged Dodge Banshee. I guarantee she’ll think you’re made of money (little does she know).
As the night proceeds with a movie and dinner, Jim is feeling confident and Susan is totally digging Jim. Oh but wait, Susan’s beginning to get emotional and cry over her ex-boyfriend. No sweat Jim, you can always skip the dialog. And if things get really sappy, just press pause and skip the entire scene, problem solved.
Finally, when the date is over and the two are standing in front of Susan’s doorstep, Jim begins to feel anxious about the night. Luckily for him, how “well” the date went is entirely irrelevant. You see, Jim was smart enough to make multiple save files throughout the night.
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